The illusion of control
The illusion of control
Our thoughts and how we think impacts in a profound way on how we experience life.
We are all running particular and different patterns of thought. In NLP, we understand that our reality is shaped not only by what happens to us, but also by the internal programmes we are running.
One way to understand this is through how we orient ourselves to control.
If you operate from ESOC (External Sphere of Control), where the mind runs a pattern of “it’s outside of me.” Here, our experience is shaped by circumstances, other people, timing, or fate.
Or if you are functioning from ISOC (Internal Sphere of Control), the nervous system feels sufficiently resourced to say, “I have choice, influence, and agency”?
Neither orientation is wrong. These are learned responses, often programmed as safety strategies. They reflect how we once learned to navigate life and stay safe in the world.
This naturally raises an important question: what can I actually control?
The simple answer is: yourself. That is the only place where true dominion exists. We cannot control or change others unless they choose that for themselves. Recognising this fact can be revolutionary. At times it can be frustrating too but ultimately, this is the fundamental truth.
At times, life impacts us in very hard ways. Experiences test us, challenge us, bring us down, and stretch our capacity. In those moments, it can feel as though life itself is in control, and we are at its mercy.
So the deeper question becomes: are we victims of life, or can we find strength and empowerment through life’s challenges?
From an ISOC orientation, new thoughts begin to emerge:
I impact my own life.
I have a choice.
I can change my mind.
I can take action or choose inaction to influence my experience.
These ways of thinking don’t deny difficulty, but they do restore self-trust. Over time, they create a sense of empowerment, freedom, and an internal “can-do” mindset rooted in choice rather than force.
When I was a much younger woman, I lived very much in ESOC. I experienced myself as a victim of the “bad things” in my life, feeling that events were happening beyond my control. This created a deep sense of powerlessness.
That internal experience showed up in my body and nervous system as tension, hypervigilance, exhaustion, and eventually depression. It is an incredibly limiting and painful way to live.
Through personal and spiritual development, I came to understand the importance of thinking about life differently, recognising that I am autonomous, that I have choice, and that I can respond in new and different ways. This shift has been deeply empowering.
Transitioning from an ESOC to an ISOC is a pattern of thought and is not about denying life’s challenges or forcing positivity. It is about gently reclaiming autonomy and empowerment of your inner world. Even when circumstances cannot be changed, the way you process them, react and feel about them can. Each moment you return to choice, personal power, and self-leadership, you return back to yourself.
Where in your life might you begin to reclaim your own inner authority?
Reach out to me for guidance to create positive change in your life, either through a Tarot Reading or through Spiritual Coaching.
Life is hard. And there are moments when it feels like you just can’t catch a break. The more effort you put in, the further away you seem to be from what you want or need.
I raise this topic because when I meet with clients, especially for a Tarot reading, many people are fearful of what I might tell them. They worry that on top of everything they’re already dealing with, more bad news will be added to an already heavy load. That’s when I reassure them that life is always presenting us with challenges, and my role is not to predict more hardship, but to help guide them through what they are currently experiencing and show them how best to navigate it.
Early in my own journey of personal and spiritual development, I read The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck, a book that has stayed with me over the years. Right at the beginning, Peck states a simple but profound truth: life is difficult. He goes on to say that the moment we truly accept this, life no longer feels quite so hard.
Life, it seems, has been designed in a way that allows us to cope with what is placed before us. Many of us have heard the saying that God only gives us what we can handle. While it doesn’t always feel that way, there is comfort in believing that we are never given more than we are capable of growing through.
So how do we manage what we face each day? How do we put our experiences into perspective?
Kabbalah teaches that there are no coincidences in life. It invites us to pause, observe, and reflect. If something is showing up repeatedly in your “movie,” you are encouraged to ask why. What are you meant to learn from what is happening? What is the lesson?
When you are spiritually minded, life begins to make sense. Only through following a spiritual path can we truly understand our experiences. Without it, the problems we face can feel random, unfair, and meaningless. There seems to be no reason for the hardships we endure.
But when you look deeper, when you begin to see challenges as lessons that have been carefully arranged, life suddenly has meaning. There is purpose behind what we go through.
Often, the difficulties we face are preparing us for the next stage of our lives. We don’t realise this at the time because we can’t see what lies ahead. We only ever see a small fraction of what is unfolding in the months or years to come.
I often think of the game show Catchphrase, currently hosted by Stephen Mulhern. In the Bonus Round, contestants are shown only a tiny snapshot of the picture and are expected to guess the phrase. It seems impossible. Nothing makes sense, until more of the image is revealed. Life is very much like this. We are shown only a snapshot, not the whole picture, and what we see doesn’t yet make sense. Only after we have moved through our challenges can we look back and understand why we experienced what we did.
Once we come through a challenge, we are often able to see the positive benefits that emerged from it. Life is always seeking balance. What we feel we have lost in one hand is often given back to us in another form. Spiritually, we are guided to look for the positives rather than remain trapped in the pain of the experience. When we do this, we grow stronger, wiser, and more resilient, and we are then able to pass the benefit of our experiences on to others.
It is my belief that we are spiritual beings having a human experience in order to grow. Our soul leads the way through our desires, gifts, talents, and passions. Each time we are ready to elevate our lives, new challenges arise. If you are actively working on your personal and spiritual development, you will likely notice this pattern unfolding in your own life.
From this perspective, life begins to make sense.
Reach out any time if you’re seeking guidance, clarity, or inspiration. I offer intuitive Tarot readings and NLP life coaching to support you on your personal and spiritual journey.
